Category: Uncategorized

It’s hard to believe 2018 has come and gone. It was a year full of struggles but also blessings. I am looking forward to 2019. To me, it is a year of new beginnings. While I don’t know what is in store, I know that God is in control. I have always considered picking a word for the year but never actually did it until last year. I chose the word JOY. As the new year begins, and I seek to determine my word for this year, I want to reflect on my Journey to Joy.

Joy to me has always seemed elusive. I have searched for the key for so long. I’ve known it’s there, it’s just seemed beyond my grasp. What must I do to take hold of it? I think it actually found me more than me finding it. Also, it came in the most unexpected way, one I never would have chosen if given a choice, yet so glad it happened.

Unexpected circumstances brought me to my knees, in full surrender to my Creator, to my Lord, Jesus Christ. This deep, abiding, unexplainable, indescribable joy. I have it now! It’s awesome and amazing. As I knew, it was there all along. I just had to be at a place where I could reach out and claim it. It is rooted in my relationship with God. He loves me, regardless. He is always with me, no matter what. Regardless of what’s happening in my life (or the world), no matter my circumstances, I have the knowledge that God is in control, He is on His throne. He has a plan, which is perfect and good. Nothing can separate me from Him or HIs love. It’s amazing actually. Part of me is devastated, heartbroken, unsure of the outcome, yet I rejoice knowing God loves me, Jesus suffered and died and rose again so I could have eternal life. He is working EVERYTHING for good, for HIs glory!

Everything that’s happened in my life has led me to this point. Sometimes I question my choices, regret them, yet I know God was not surprised by them. He allowed them in order to bring me here, to this point. I can “see” so much, it’s overwhelming. God’s plan isn’t just about me. It affects everyone around me, even some people I don’t know and may never meet. So many pieces, and He sees it all, not bound by time or space. Praying about my situation now, I see how God is using it all. I can see how all of it was necessary for me, but also for others. I have learned so much, grown in my faith, become stronger as a person. But then I think of others in the story. People praying, people watching, those I’ve told my story to, you reading this blog. God is using this in their lives, in your life. Just as I did, you have choices to make. Will you surrender to God, to His will, truly seek Him? Keep your eyes on Him no matter how hard? This is an awesome journey, so exciting! So much of what’s happening, we can’t even see. The spiritual battle taking place. But how awesome to be a part of it! That is joy! Things may not turn out how I want, but God is in control and He knows best. He is working everything for good. Because of that, I have deep, unexplainable, indescribable joy! My prayer is that you can also have it.

Life is hard. It’s a struggle. Especially when going through a difficult time. You lean on God. You pray for wisdom and guidance. You seek Him above all else. But still, sometimes, you are unsure of the path to take. Well meaning friends give advice. It sounds good, especially since they are Christians. But other christians give different advice. Who is right? Who do you listen to? This is something I have struggled with for several months. In the beginning, I felt God telling me to pray; persevere in prayer; and to show love, respect and grace. That went against several people’s advice. However, since I believed that was what God wanted, I did it anyways. I also sought God more, making sure I heard right, and God was faithful to maintain what He had said. Now, several months later, I am still seeking God and still questioning whether what I am doing is right. Most of the time I feel it is, but other times I am not so sure. Maybe those people are right. Maybe God is telling me to do something different and I’m not listening because I’m too afraid. I have had times in my life when I knew what I was doing was not what God wanted but I did it anyways, too stubborn and/or afraid to change. During those times I was not spending time praying about the situation or seeking God. This time is much different. I am praying, seeking God, desiring to be in His will and do His will above all else. While I agree those people could be right, I’m not convinced they are. I’m still hoping I can be/am one of those people who does what they feel God is telling them, even if it goes against the norm, believing God is mighty and is going to do a miracle. Am I just naive and deluded? I mean, who am I? It’s not that God can’t do what I am praying for. I know He can. But maybe I’m just being stubborn and too afraid to do the “practical” thing. How do I know other than to keep praying and asking for wisdom?

I read a devotion about grapes and raisins. Grapes are a sign of God’s promises. They don’t last forever though, but raisins do. They sustain during the dry, rough times. So when God has given a promise, but has yet to fulfill it, eat the raisins of God’s faithfulness. Chew on all the times He has proven Himself until He is ready to fulfill the promise. God has shown me over and over that I need to pray, keep praying, persevere, have faith to believe my prayers will be answered, have hope. While I keep praying for wisdom and guidance, I will chew on all God has done and all He has shown me. I do pray if I am to do something different, God will lay it on my heart, burden me, break my stubborn will to do it. Otherwise, I pray for strength and courage to keep doing what I am doing, waiting for that miracle and God to be glorified.

I know I’ve said it before (seems to be the theme lately), but being in the midst of a trial is very difficult and painful. If it wasn’t then I guess it wouldn’t be a trial. We need the pain in order to turn to God for strength, and also to allow Got to work in and through us, making us into the people He needs us/created us to be. However, it is painful and it sucks! Big time!! Most of the time I just want it to be over. I want my prayers answered now and the situation resolved. God could make that happen if He wanted! He’s all powerful after all! Right?!

Well, as much as I want it over, I do know He is at work, still at work. It will end and my prayers will be answered, but in His time not mine. His plan and His timing are perfect. He sees the big picture. He sees all the pieces that have to fit into place. Then it hit me! This isn’t just about me or what God wants to teach me. There are lots of people involved in this situation whose lives are being or will be impacted by the outcome. All of that is taken into account in God’s plan. He sees all of it. Also, He is not bound by time. So, it’s not just about me and it’s not just about today. God works everything for good for those called to His purpose (Rom 8:28). Therefore, I have to trust His plan and His timing for all those people whose lives will be touched. He is in control. He knows what He is doing. I have to be willing to sacrifice for His glory! I pray for and rejoice in all the lives that will be impacted through this, all the lives pointed to God and His faithfulness and unchanging, unconditional love and grace. That gets me so excited!! So, I trust God and keep my eyes on Him, not on the situation or circumstances.

Abraham had to deal with that as well. God told Abraham that he and Sarah would have a child in their old age. I read an excerpt from Christine Caine’s Unexpected. It talked about how Abraham trusted God through the unexpected and his faith grew stronger. “When God gave Abraham such an outlandish and unexpected promise, He simply believed God’s promise – he risked hope against all rational hope. He didn’t deny the facts of his circumstances, but he refused to believe they were the whole truth because they did not account for God’s promise. He did not waver or doubt, and because of that, his faith grew even stronger. When at last Isaac was born, Abraham gave all the glory to God.”

“He believed, hoping against hope, so that he became the father of many nations according to what had been spoken: So will your descendants be. He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old) and also the deadness of Sarah’s womb. He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, because he was fully convinced that what God had promised, he was also able to do.” Romans 4:18-21 CSB

What if I could do that? I have tried but then the doubt creeps in. I believe God gave me a vision, a promise. Unfortunately, the enemy is good at questioning and asking if God really said that (think of Eve in the garden). However, if this vision/promise is real and true, can’t I live knowing the facts (my circumstances) don’t tell the whole story, and trust God fully right now? Trust in His promise, not doubting, making my faith stronger? I’m guessing Abraham did struggle some with doubt, otherwise he would not have been with Hagar. Overall, though, he trust God’s promise. Can I do the same? Can you? Remember, the circumstances don’t tell the whole story. God will fulfill his promise regardless of what we see with our earthly eyes. That’s why it is so important to keep our eyes on Him, always!

Patience. They say you should never pray for it because it’s not something given. It has to be earned/learned. The things that teach patience are never fun. However, God’s word says in Romans 12:12, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in affliction and be persistent in prayer (CSB).” Yikes!! Patient in affliction?! I can tell you afflictions, trials and sufferings are NOT fun! To be patient through them is difficult. The Bible also says to be thankful for trials. So, we are to thank God for them and be patient through them. God is using them to mold and make us into who He created us to be. Well, I can tell you from experience it is all hard and it stinks. The only thing that keeps me going and makes it worth it is knowing God is working to make me into who I am meant to be. If not for that, I would quit and give up. I believe God has told me from the beginning of this trial I am facing to be patient and persistent in my prayers. Don’t give up! Like a runner in a race who is tired and just wants to stop, but keeps going – a little farther, a little farther, and then the race is over and the perseverance pays off. That is me. So I keep praying, keep trusting, knowing the trial will be over eventually and God will answer. Through it all, I am becoming more like Christ, I am depending on Him for everything. I know He is with me always, through it all, and when it gets too hard, He carries me. Sometimes I wonder if my prayers are working or making a difference. I read somewhere that faith moves mountains, but prayers move God. This is why I keep praying, trusting God hears and is working whether I see it or not. His ways are higher than mine, and He works in ways I can’t even imagine. I also wonder if He tires of my prayers (which are constant). Then I remember His word says to be “persistent in prayer” and to “pray without ceasing.” There are also the stories of persistence, like the neighbor who come in the night to ask for food and the persistent widow who keeps coming to the judge. So, I trudge on, being patient and persistent, knowing God will answer in His time not mine. His plan is perfect as is His timing. I am so thankful he is on the throne and in control so I don’t have to be!

Faith. Hope. Belief. They are truly hard concepts when you are in the middle of the storm. What exactly do they mean? Faith is described in the Bible as believing in something you can’t see (Hebrews 11:1). Wouldn’t hope and belief be the same? If you hope for something, you haven’t seen it or attained it, but you believe you will. We are told to pray in accordance with God’s will and believe/have faith that He will give us what we ask (in accordance with His will is key!)(1 John 5:14-15). We are also told that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains (Matt 17:20). I have this and believe God will do a miracle in my situation. Why then do I feel like a naive little girl with her fairy-tale notions? What’s the point of praying for something to then just assume it’s crazy and not going to happen? Is this just another attack from the enemy? God doesn’t bring confusion and that’s what I feel. I believe God told me to do something, to act a certain way. It goes against what others would do. So then, I wonder if I am crazy. Did I hear God right, or did I just hear myself and what I want? It’s not easy doing what I feel led to do. But was it really God?! What people say makes sense. Prepare for the worst. Be angry. There has to be consequences. I agree, but how? When? I know God may not give me what I want and I need to be ok with that. There has to be a way to be ok with it not turning out the way I want/pray for without giving up, without losing faith that it can/will happen. Right?! Otherwise what’s the point? God is big. He can do big things. He can and does perform miracles. Storms suck and they are painful, but God has a plan. Through the storms and trials we see His faithfulness. He never leaves us. It teaches us endurance, trust, gives us character. We are becoming more like Jesus!

Life is hard, unfortunately. While there are many mountaintop experiences, there are just as many (if not more) valley experiences. We need both in order to grow and become who God created us to be. I just have to say, though, that going through the valley, going through the fire, being broken…it SUCKS!! It hurts! A LOT!! I do trust God so I know I will get through it with His help and strength, and I will be better for it, stronger on the other side. But in the midst of it? IT SUCKS! It’s horrible! I know it’s a matter of keeping my focus on Jesus, on the prize, on taking one day at a time. Some days I do ok, but others I just want to crawl into bed with the covers up and cry. I pray A LOT! I need to take my thoughts captive all the time. Feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help the situation. God is in control. I just have to keep giving it back to Him. Like Peter walking on water, as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus I am ok. But as soon as I take my eyes off Him, I start to panic and sink. It’s ok to feel sad and angry, but I can’t dwell there. I need to share it with God then leave it all there at the foot of the cross. He will carry me through this storm.

I am thankful because it has shown me my dependence on Him. I must rely on Him for everything. He loves me and will meet ALL my needs. All of this is so I can be used by HIm, to bring Him glory. I can help others going through tough times. Jesus is my HOPE. God continues to remind me of His unconditional love for me, how He pursued me but I didn’t really respond. I am grateful He never gave up on me, that He is always faithful, that nothing can separate me from His love!

Trusting God. Sometimes it seems so simple, yet in reality, it is quite difficult. As Hebrew 11:1 states, “Faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen (CSB).” Reality equals assurance, substance, confidence (depending on the translation). Basically, it’s believing in something we can’t see. We trust and have faith in things all the time without thinking – the chair will hold us up, spring will blossom after winter, the sun will rise. Some of these things we take for granted because they happen and are just easy to believe. The hard things are the uncertainties we place in God’s hands – will my sick child get well, will I be cured from cancer, will my loved one accept Christ, will my marriage survive, etc… We pray and give it to God, we say we trust Him, but then doubt starts to creep in. Will God answer? Will He answer the way I want? Does He hear me? Maybe I need to pray harder, different, have more faith. We begin to get anxious. Maybe I shouldn’t say “we”, maybe it’s just me. I have control issues and am not very patient. I want answers now, in my time, in my way. Most of the time, that’s not how it works. God is God. He has a plan. He sees the big picture. He knows just what needs to happen and when. My job is to pray, give it to Him, and believe He will work according to His will and His timing (not mine). In the meantime, I have to rest in His assurance of keeping His promises. John 14:13-14 says, “Whatever you ask in my name, I will do it so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it (CSB).” God is able to do more than I think or even imagine (Eph 3:20). If only it was that simple – to just pray, give it to God and trust. Unfortunately, the enemy is out there to distract us and bring worry and anxiety. He doesn’t want us close to God, trusting God.

While trusting God is hard, so is fighting a spiritual battle. It’s exhausting, and scary, but also exciting when I truly believe God and His promises. So, I keep fighting, I pray without ceasing. However, sometimes I wonder if I pray so much and so often because I’m not really trusting. The fear that if I don’t keep praying, all the time, then God won’t answer. I’m scared and hurting, so I think it’s my way of coping. Pray every time I think about it. Maybe I need to pray for more faith instead. Fear and anxiety are not from God, they are from the enemy. So, when I fear and pray more/harder, then I am showing God that I don’t really trust Him and His promises. He does tell us to pray without ceasing in 1 Thessalonians. Unfortunately, I believe mine at the moment stems from fear and lack of trust. I need rest as well. I need to be able to rest in God’s promise. He says if I pray in accordance with His will and in His name, He will answer (John 14:13-14; 1 John 5:14-15). Do I believe that? Do I really believe nothing is impossible for God? If so, then I need to pray, believe and trust Him to work. He doesn’t need my help. He has a plan. It’s just that my feeble mind can’t comprehend.

I read a devotion that fear and faith go together. Fear is natural, but with faith I can’t let it control me. It cited Deut. 31:6, “Be strong and courageous…For the Lord Your God is the one who will go with you; He will not leave you or abandon you (CSB).” I can trust God. He is faithful and always keeps his promises.

Wow! Life is crazy! Here I am again with so many thoughts and ideas swirling in my head, I don’t know where to begin. God is really working in my life, refining me, revealing areas of weakness, making me into who I need to be. Unfortunately, that makes the enemy work just as hard, if not harder, to keep me down, to keep me from my calling, to keep me from becoming the warrior I am meant to be. Well, enough is enough. War is on! I have made a commitment to put on my armor, pick up my sword and FIGHT!! The enemy will not win! God is mighty! God is powerful! God has already won the ultimate battle thanks to Jesus dying on the cross, defeating death and raising back to life! I am His. I am His daughter. He loved me enough to suffer horrible things in order for me to be redeemed. I owe Him everything.

I wish I knew what caused me to be the way I am. Critical. Angry. Disrespectful. Selfish. Lazy. I know I am a sinner and all that. But I also know as a Christian, I am a new creature. So why stay in the pit? Why be so angry? Why the low self-esteem and control issues. Sometimes I think if could just find the root(s), I could sort it all out and be free. I am reminded of weeds. Just because you find a root and dig/pull it out, doesn’t mean it’s gone. Weeds are nasty and invasive, spreading their tentacles far and wide. We can treat them, keep them back, somewhat control them, but they are always there. So it is with sin. I think I just need to know that my issues come from satan. He will use them any which way to accomplish his purpose. I could search all day to find why I am angry and disrespectful. I may find some reasons but not the full picture. At some point, I just need to acknowledge the problem, turn it over to God, and work to change what I do know.

The enemy is a liar, a deceiver, a manipulator. He is out to seek, kill and destroy. He is a master at what he does. I feel God has given me the gift of discernment, “seeing” the other side, the spiritual side. Physically I can’t see angels and demons and the battle, but I know it’s very real. Unfortunately, I have become apathetic to it (score 1 for the enemy). I see the darkness, I know it’s there, but I just keep going about my day, not thinking or worrying about it. Now I am reaping the consequences. Thankfully God never gives up on me! I have a plan and a purpose. He sees the big picture. He knows what needs to happen to get me up off my backside and down on my knees. I just need to learn to stay there more often.

I know when my relationship with God is right, when I am close to Him, then I am a better person. Satan knows that too so he sneaks his way in with distractions. The move back to the USA and my cancer has taught me how much I need Jesus, how I need to rely on HIm. For the last several weeks, my goal has been to pray everyday, search my heart, ask God to reveal those roots, destroy as much of them as I can through Him, so the fruits of His Spirit can grow and bloom in the place of those ugly weeds. I have been praying for wisdom to be the person I am meant to be. I also pray and claim scripture verses.

This is a spiritual battle. I can “see” that. Lies of the devil to destroy. There is a real battle going on that we can’t see. As the Bible says in Ephesians 6, the battle is not with flesh and blood but with the rulers and principalities of the unseen world. Sometimes I wish God would pull the curtain back just so I could catch a real glimpse. For now, it is enough for me to know it’s there. I need to stop being apathetic and start doing something. It’s easy to not do much about things we can’t physically see. However, just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

God is showing me more and more the importance of brokenness. I used to hate myself for my failures, for my faults, for my broken places. As a perfectionist, brokenness was a weakness, it was bad. I am beginning to see the value in being broken. Without the broken places, God’s love can’t shine through the cracks. Without them, I wouldn’t need God’s strength/glue to make me strong. As Paul states in 1 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (YouVersion, ESV). Being broken isn’t fun, and it hurts. But knowing that it makes me more into the person God created me to be makes it worth it.  † Cruciform. The cross. Horizontal and vertical beams. It’s not easy but that is what God called us to be, how to live. The more broken we are, the easier it seems to be, at least for me. When I am broken and hurting, I reach out to Him. I draw closer to Him, asking for strength, for peace, for healing. I reach up and He reaches down (vertical). The more I spend time with Him, the deeper our relationship becomes; stronger, more personal, the more I see all He has done for me, all He is for me. Once that is strengthened and I know who I am in Him, then I can reach out to others, to be His conduit of peace, healing, and help to those I come into contact with (horizontal).

One thing I have struggled with for years is trusting the vertical to give me what I need for the horizontal. I forget that I need to have all my needs met through the vertical, not the horizontal. Only God can meet all my needs. Yes, he sends people into our lives to meet some needs through the vertical (human touch, talking, serving), but we have serious problems when we try to get people to meet needs that can only be met through the vertical. This is where the idea of a spring vs a bucket comes in. God has brought to mind more than once lately the idea of a spring vs a bucket. Usually you hear about how we need our buckets filled. If our buckets are full, then we are happy and can help others. When our buckets are depleted, we are tired, grumpy and seek ways to fill them, either through Christ or through other people. Good things fill our buckets, bad things empty them. We can only fill others’ buckets when ours are full. When ours are empty, then we tend to empty other people’s. I think buckets are good, but they require constant refilling. If it draws us to Jesus for the refilling, then that is good. The bad is when we look to others to refill our buckets. It just never quite works. I like the idea of a spring better. A spring has an underground source of water, of life. It is constantly being refilled to provide life to those around it. We can become that spring through time spent with Jesus. Spending time with Him, praying, meditating on His word, applying His word to our lives. Through that we become a spring of living water. More time spent with Him means the more we come like Him. The vertical then turns to the horizontal of the cross. It is natural. His love, compassion, mercy, grace, service all begins to bubble up through us to those around us. We don’t worry about becoming empty because we have a constant source of living water to sustain us and keep us filled up. Is it easy? No. Ask any of my family members how much I am more like a bucket than a spring. Is it possible? Absolutely. So, that is my goal and my vision for myself – to become cruciform, to become that spring, full of God’s love and grace with the ability to extend it to those around me. Seeking God to meet my needs so that I can focus on sharing His love and grace to others.

So, it’s been awhile since I have posted. Life happens and I haven’t gotten around to it. Anyways, I had some time today and decided to work on my blog again. I have to admit, the process did not bring me much joy. However, now that I think it’s complete, I am very joyful and thankful to God. Turns out, I made a mistake when setting up my blog. I chose a domain that was owned by someone else. After much online chatting, I finally realized what happened and what I needed to do. I ended up having to change my domain name. I am exhausted now and need a break, but don’t worry, I have lots to write about. Until next time…